If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
