I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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