I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
