why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
