There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
