OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
