if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
