fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
