my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
