No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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