It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
