that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
