the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
