I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
