If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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