you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
