Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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