woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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