and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
are you so shy because you have an std?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
