He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
