I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
