i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
