she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
