Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
