My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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