A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
