ADVERTISEMENT

• (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.

  (515): View more from Iowa

  I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.

  Fav 121 2098 1787

  share tweet
  

• (707): View more from California

  I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.

  Fav 27 969 2407

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks

  Fav 149 3753 2437

  share tweet
  

• (501): View more from Arkansas

  This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

  Fav 62 20366 2184

  share tweet
  

• (623): View more from Arizona

  Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.

  Fav 17 1344 3536

  share tweet
  

• (469): View more from Texas

  btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.

  Fav 10 1896 2538

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (203): View more from Connecticut

  a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.

  Fav 10 2505 1073

  share tweet
  

• (769): View more from Mississippi

  He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking

  Fav 6 892 1379

  share tweet
  

• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.

  Fav 8 1742 793

  share tweet
  

• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.

  Fav 5 925 577

  share tweet
  

• (630): View more from Illinois

  Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.

  Fav 5 605 440

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (773): View more from Illinois

  Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.

  Fav 2 104 279

  share tweet
  

• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?

  Fav 1 109 11

  share tweet
  

• (540): View more from Virginia

  I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.

  Fav 0 4 15

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (630): View more from Illinois

  3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....

  Fav 0 20 37

  share tweet
  

Randomize