I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
