He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
