i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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