You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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