matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
