I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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