Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
