OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
