Got a toothbrush?
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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