tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
