The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
