I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
