It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
