Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
