Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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