Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
