Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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