I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
