The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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