Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
