he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
