This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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