first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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